182 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
182 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
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! !
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! How to Bother, Disturb, Kill, Perturb, and Upset your local Mormons. !
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! !
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! By: The Prophet !
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! !
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! Along with some cool ideas from: The Metallian !
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+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
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Call these genocidal systems:
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/\/\etalland 1 10megs/AE/BBS/CF ......(503)538-0761
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The Metal AE/PW:KILL..................(201)879-6668
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The Reality AE.PW:HARRIS..............(818)706-2054
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The Mordor AE/AE1200/10megs PW:ZANDAR (201)528-6467
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Presented By:
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Metal Comunications Inc.
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&
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The Neon Knights
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------------------------------------
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Note: If you are a Mormon, we sincerely hope you are offended by this
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material !!!!!!!!
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+------------------------------------+
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____________________________________
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FOR MORMON HATERS ONLY
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____________________________________
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First off, I really hope that the ideas brought up here will be very helpful
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and useful to you. If you are a Mormon hater (which for your own sake I hope
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you are), you will undoubtedly want to try some of them.
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In this there will be quite a wide range of ideas, from something as simple
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and harmless as stacking a locker to arson.
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When you're done reading this and you want to go and try some of the neat
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things you learned, remember that you are fully responsible. We take no
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responsibility for three-alarm fires or mass-murders because this is, more or
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less, a joke (at least, it's supposed to look like it).
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Okay, here is how to bother, disturb, kill, perturb, and upset your local
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Mormons.
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____________________________________
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____________________________________
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1) BOTHERING THEM
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If you are going to do anything, you must start by bothering them. That way
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you can start nice and simple and then build up to a climax. When you bother a
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Mormon, you must realize that these dicks are supposed to be nice little boys
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and girls, so you want to push their tempers as far as you possibly can. If
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they act like they are supposed to, it will take a lot to reach the end of their
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fuse. Ocasionally there will be a bad Mormon who will fight back. This doesn't
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happen too often, but when it does, be careful. In any case, a good rule to
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follow is just push them as far as you possibly can.
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A good, simple way to start is just by stacking their locker. You just add
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one thing to how you would normally do it. You want to make sure that their
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books are stacked very steep, and then on top of them you put a bowl of hot soup
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or else something very hard to clean like grease. If they don't move back too
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soon, which they probably won't, they will get nailed by the books and the hot
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soup and/or grease.
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The next step comes during lunch, or whenever you are around a Mormon eating
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food. There are three possibilities to choose from, whichever seems to be the
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most convenient at the time:
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1) Food/drink in hair
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2) Food/drink down shirt/inside bra
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3) Food/drink down pants
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Obviously self-explanatory. Grab food, smear in hair, shove down shirt, or
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put in pants. For the hair food is best, preferrably something like maccaroni &
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cheese, and for the shirt/bra and pants some sort of liquid is definitely best.
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Anyway, after you do this, it would be a very good idea to get out of there
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fast.
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The last step of the "bothering" phase is slashing the tires on their car. I
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certainly hope that you don't need any instructions on how to do that. And if
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they don't have a car, take the next step down and slash the tires on their
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bike. Most likely they will have a bike, and they definitely will if they are
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one of those neat Mormon missionaries that ride all over town in their nice
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suits and ties on their massively cool 3-speeds. And in the rare event that
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they don't even have a bike, use your imagination to come up with something.
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One suggestion is egging their house, but you will most likely want something
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more original than that.
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____________________________________
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____________________________________
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2) DISTURBING, UPSETTING, AND PERTURBING THEM
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____________________________________
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Now your Mormon victim should be quite bothered and flustered, and now comes
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the phase where they really piss their pants. If these things are done
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correctly, you are pretty much guaranteed a very disturbed, upset, perturbed
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Mormon.
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A very good way to upset a Mormon (or anybody, for that matter) is to threaten
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them and/or their family. A good time to threaten them might be over the phone
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during their "Family Home Evening". Something like, "There's a bomb in your
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basement that's going to explode in 23 seconds", or something direct and
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straight to the point like, "Hi! I'm going to kill your family tonight!" should
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successfully ruin their family gathering. Or another good time to threaten them
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might be on Sunday when they're all home and the kids have to sit around all day
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and read. Use one of the above threats or you might want to try one like
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threatening to kidnap someone in their family. Or, of course, you can use your
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imagination and be creative. But what- ever you do, when you are threatening
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them make sure that it is totally anonymous because they might take you
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seriously. (And, of course, maybe you will be serious.)
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Another thing that would disturb the Mormons would be to go to one of their
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neat services, and in the middle of it when the Bishop dude is talking, stand up
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and start yelling at the top of your lungs, "How could any sane person believe
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this stuff?! I've had enough of this crap!" and walk out.
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A last suggestion for disturbing, upsetting, and perturbing the Mormons is to
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once again go to another cool service, if you can handle that much crap in a
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lifetime. You take your ghetto blaster in with you and in the middle of the
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service put in the group Satan's tape that has the song "Death to the Mormons"
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on it and crank it up. Let it play at least until the chorus when they say,
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"Death to the Mormons" and call them inspeakable words, and then walk out.
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____________________________________
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____________________________________
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3) KILLING THEM
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____________________________________
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And now the part you've all been waiting for: killing them. Mostly you can
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just use your imagination on this area, but we'll give you a few ideas.
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If you are looking at just killing one individual, the safest, most obscure
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method is abduction. Either take them by force, or pretend to offer them a ride
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somewhere. You know what comes next; you take them up in the hills to some
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uninhabited forest and just simply kill them somehow. Use a gun if you want it
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to be fairly fast but painful, or stab them a couple times if you want it to be
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slow and painful.
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And, if you are looking at mass-murder, use either a bomb (you have lower
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chances of getting caught if you have a pre-planted time bomb) or walk in with
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an M-16 and start blowing people away. You use this method if you don't mind
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getting the death penalty. And one more possibility would be to set their
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church on fire during their service. Of course, most all of them would get out,
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but who knows? You might get lucky and knock down a few.
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In conlusion, I just want to say if you want to kill a Mormon, please give it
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very serious consideration before you do it, and just go as easy on them as you
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can, because, after all, they have almost as much right to live as we do!
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Later,
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The Prophet
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|
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Metal Communications Inc.
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+--------------------------------------+
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(C)opyright 1985 M.C.I.
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+--------------------------------------+
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==============================================================================
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___ ___
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(___><___) .....And if you enjoyed this TextFile, call The Works, 914's
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\ _[]_ TextFile BBS:
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\______/ \_____ The Works
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_\ =========
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_______________ \>\ (914)-238-8195 24 Hrs. 900+ Textfiles Online
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/ \ \ 300/1200 Baud, N,8,1 Home of Terror Ferret
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==============================================================================
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