129 lines
6.8 KiB
Plaintext
129 lines
6.8 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... When Cults Collide
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by The Nightstalker
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2/15/1998-#348
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__///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__
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\\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \///////
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___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
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|___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___|
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For some reason, the Mormons (see cDc #275) are all OVER Jamaica Plain like
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white on rice.
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Which is odd, due to the large Black (Baptist/Protestant), Latino (Catholic),
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Haitian (Catholic/Voudoun/Santaria), and Russian (Christian/Jewish)
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populations. (Then there's the huge lesbian presence in JP. It's like a
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Dykes To Watch Out For strip come to life at times.)
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J.P. is not what I'd call user-friendly to the Mormons, yet, there are
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times that you'll see the bus full of them, as they go off on their
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missionary jaunts.
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And when in downtown Boston, around Boylston and Newbury Streets, the damned
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Scientologists are trolling for suckers.
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It had been a _long_ stupid day for me. It had been my turn in the barrel
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answering the hundreds of emails to cDc we get a day, mainly from lame little
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wannabes who wish to enjoy the heady status of the Cult, but won't
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(more likely) can't pull the weight required of a Cultee. The worst are
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the jerks who email stupid things along the lines of "Please fuck up this
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guy's AOL account for me. He dissed me at school yesterday. Oh, and can I
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be a member?" Yeah, I'll get right on it, after Naomi Campbell finishes
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giving me my daily blowjob.
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So you can understand why I was in a bad mood and wasn't paying attention,
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when I got sandbagged by a Mormon missionary tag team of "elders"
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(Elders my ass. I am quite literally old enough to have fathered practically
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all of these missionaries!) at the bus stop.
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I tried to be polite, I tried to tell them nicely that I wasn't interested.
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But no, they kept at me. I finally had to point out the cDc talisman
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around my neck.
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"Look, you see this bovicon? This pewter skull? This necrotic cow icon?
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Don't they teach you ANYTHING in Missionary School? You see this cDc logo
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anywhere on a person and you should just turn tail and RUN, thanking Moroni
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that you weren't NOTICED by the Master Hacker who was sporting that
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cow skull!"
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"The last time I had to deal with you yahoos, when I was finished, they were
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covered in pigs blood, had 666 tattooed on their foreheads, kick me signs
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on their backs and mainlining JOLT to keep the caffeine buzz on! They
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renounced their so-called faith, burned their Temple Garb RIGHT THERE IN
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THE STREET and joined up with the K-k0w Force on the spot! Last
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I heard, they were selling crack to the Taleban, Christian babies to the
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Elders of Zion, and peddling pictures of Mother Theresa fucking a donkey
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over the Internet."
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"They swiped the Golden Tablets right out of the Tabernacle, sold 'em down
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Tijuana way, bought a TON of coke and snorted it all in ONE NIGHT!"
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"I AM the Corruptor, The Defiler, The Heretic, that your Elders warned you
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about! I blow my nose on the Bible and wipe my ass with the Koran. I clean
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up my dog's crap with the Book of Mormon and make paper airplanes from the
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Talmud!"
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"Satan ain't coming to Earth while I'm around and Cthulu has nightmares
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about me! I AM the very Wal-Mart of Sin and Corruption and I'm coming to
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YOUR town! The Anti-Christ won't even fetch his own paper off the front
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lawn, for fear of running into me! I sold Jim Jones the Kool Aid and David
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Koresh used MY Zippo to light the fire at Waco. Aum ShinRikyo heard I was
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in Tokyo and launched a pre-emptive strike. Heaven's Gate read the cDc files,
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realized they were NEVER going to be anywhere NEAR as cool and hip as cDc
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and offed themselves to atone for their SIN OF LAMENESS!"
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"And I'm just a measley newcomer to the Cult. You better not even
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be in the same STATE with Grandmaster Ratte` or Deth Veggie, or there will
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literally be HELL TO PAY!!! And you don't EVER want to know about the unspeakable activities at The L0pht! WHY... Oh, here's my bus. Nice chatting
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with you. Have a good day, gentlemen."
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After I got on the bus, I wrote down as much of that extemporanious rant as
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I could remember. As I recall, those two 'elders' were looking mighty
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shell-shocked as the bus pulled away. I hope they passed along my kind
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advice to their fellow missionaries; at any rate they seemed to have been
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taking notes.
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.-. _ _ .-.
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/ \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \
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/.ooM \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ /.ooM \
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-/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
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/lucky 13\ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ /lucky 13\
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\ / `-' (U) `-' \ /
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`-' the original e-zine `-' _
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Oooo eastside westside / ) __
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/)(\ ( \ WORLDWIDE / ( / \
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\__/ ) / Copyright (c) 1998 cDc communications and the author. \ ) \)(/
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(_/ CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a registered trademark of oooO
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cDc communications, PO Box 53011, Lubbock, TX, 79453, USA. _
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oooO All rights reserved. Edited by Grandmaster Ratte'. __ ( \
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/ ) /)(\ / \ ) \
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\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
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\_) xXx BOW to the COW xXx Oooo
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