133 lines
6.1 KiB
Plaintext
133 lines
6.1 KiB
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... Rejection Letter Blues
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by Jeff Swanson
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>>> a cDc publication.......1994 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____
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|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|
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The probable reasons why my latest short story wasn't accepted, with
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examples from the text (and rules from a major science fiction magazine's form
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rejection):
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========================================================================
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GENERAL RULES:
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o We don't appreciate, and don't publish, stories that feature the gratuitous
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use of gore, violence, obscene language, or sexual activity.
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"Fuck me up the ass with the barrel of that loaded pistol, Mr. Vice
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President!!" Danny screamed.
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========================================================================
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o We hardly ever publish pseudo-Medieval fantasy stories.
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"Why, thy breath reeks of the malodorous breeze of many Orcs," Gawain
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shouted across the creek.
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"Thou can suck my big fat one," huffed Eric, tossing his cape aside
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regally. His horse snorted and pawed the browning sod beneath. The cool air
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revealed clouds of vapor from the horse's nostrils.
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Gawain swept angrily down the bank and leaped into his Lexus, slamming the
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door shut. He lowered the power window and regarded Eric with a haughty,
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baleful eye. "To thou I givest mine special finger," he called, and showed it,
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before roaring off in a cloud of leaves.
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Merlin looked on with a wise, amused smile on his face.
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========================================================================
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o We don't use much material that relies on esoteric myths or legends for the
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foundation of its plot or characterization.
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"I might be able to devise a very light powersat with a broad, diffuse
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microwave beam," mused Albert, "if it wasn't for the story of Ryll."
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"Ryll?" Jenna asked, gazing up at him.
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"Yes. You see, Ryll, who had sprung from the glans of the hermaphrodite
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bitch-goddess Flazz during the Time Of Defenestration, was determined to wrest
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the secret of caulk from the skygod Fuque. However, he suddenly fell into a
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dream, and in the dream, it was revealed to him by the god Shite that there are
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certain things men should never know."
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========================================================================
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o The taste of our readers is more sophisticated than you may realize.
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(Numerous Three Stooges and tractor pull references)
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========================================================================
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o By the definitions we apply, this is neither science fiction, fantasy, nor
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horror, and thus doesn't fit within any of the genres we publish.
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"The dolphins?" Kira whispered, amazed.
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"Yes," Jorn replied. "Have grown legs."
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"What have you done about this?"
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"Why, I hacked them off with atomic decohesiator, of course.
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Unfortunately, though, they had plenty of hit points left and simply read a
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scroll which rendered their new legs intact again. Then, they flung their
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feces at me."
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"Heavenly," Kira murmured, in rapturous amazement.
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"Yes," Jorn agreed. They then exploded.
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========================================================================
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o Outre is not the same as obscene; wish-fulfillment is not storytelling.
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Please choose a market with a more lax attitude toward the possibility of
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offending its readers, and/or consider seeking the counsel of a trained
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professional.
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"My mother," I told my friend Joe, as the fifty most beautiful girls at my
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high school writhed and crawled over the sharp points of one thousand broken
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Coke bottles to vie for the chance to suck my fourteen-inch penis.
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"What about her?" replied Joe, lighting up another Havana with a ten
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thousand dollar bill. Salmon P. Chase turned black and then vanished into the
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sweet blue smoke.
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"I've always wanted to fuck her," I said. I snapped my fingers, and there
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was my mom, with nipple clamps and handcuffs, suspended from the ceiling of the
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school auditorium. Her vulva gleamed invitingly.
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You see, every day's like this, since I woke up with... The Power.
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_______ __________________________________________________________________
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/ _ _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842|
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((___)) |Cool Beans!..........415/648-PUNK|Polka AE {PW:KILL}..806/794-4362|
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[ x x ] |Metalland Southwest..713/579-2276|ATDT East...........617/350-STIF|
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\ / |The Works............617/861-8976|Ripco ][............312/528-5020|
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(' ') | Save yourself! Go outside! DO SOMETHING! |
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(U) |==================================================================|
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.ooM |Copyright (c) 1994 cDc communications and Jeff Swanson. |
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\_______/|All Rights Reserved. 11/01/1994-#288|
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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