124 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
124 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
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The following are "Data Processing Definitions":
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Assumed Decimal Point - Located two positions to the right of a programmer's
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current salary in estimating his own worth.
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Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.
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Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output.
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Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer must forget in order to be
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successful.
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Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples.
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Achilles' Biological Findings:
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(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he
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looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
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(2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
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-- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
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A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
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screwing began.
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
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virginity could be a virtue.
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-- Voltaire
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
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Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
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Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
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Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
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These are a few of my favorite drugs.
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Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
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Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
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Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
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These are a few of my favorite drugs.
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Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
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Users of heroin, often called junkies
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Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
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Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
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On a bad trip
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When the cops come
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When I lose my head
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I simply take more of my favorite drugs
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And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
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They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
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are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
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(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
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confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
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a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
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of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
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including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
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cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
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factory puts them there.
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(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
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announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
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piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
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get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
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state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
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where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
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fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
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vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
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impression.
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-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
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How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
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None: "We'll fix it in software."
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How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
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None: "We'll document it in the manual."
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How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
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None: "The user can work it out."
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
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1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
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bomb; use the stairs.
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2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
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the ground.
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3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
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4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
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psychological problems.
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5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
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foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
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shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
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6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will
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be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
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7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
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8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
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staggering illegally.
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9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
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sanitary due to limited circulation.
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10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
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D-Day.
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Call OverDrive Systems at (312)761-0274
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