94 lines
4.3 KiB
BibTeX
94 lines
4.3 KiB
BibTeX
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FROM: Kurt Reisler
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TO: All You Flamers Out There
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SUBJECT: The Flamer'S Bible
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The FLAMERS BIBLE
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Origin: Unknown (actually, I wrote the first one a few months ago, but I
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thought "origin: unknown" looks cool)
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Revision 1: Dec. 2, 1987 by Joe Talmadge
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In the time I have been posting to net, I have encountered flame wars of epic
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proportions (Brahms Gang vs. Tim Maroney), and flame wars of a more modest
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nature (MIT vs. CIT). Flaming has evolved into a highly-stylized art form,
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complete with unwritten rules and guidelines.
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Here, I have attempted to document the Art of Flaming, in such a way as it will
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be interesting to old hands (flame masters) and novices (virgins) alike.
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Without a further ado, then, I present:
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***********The twelve commandments of flaming**************
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1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound
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true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is
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a liar, and a dirtball to boot."
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2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
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Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to
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psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in
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her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."
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3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next
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literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From rec.arts.wobegon to
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alt.gourmand, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame.
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Therefore, post everywhere.
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4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
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*possibly* be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously a conspiracy against
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you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.
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5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin &
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Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good
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form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libelled me,
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slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha."
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6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states outright
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that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If
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Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's
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obviously lying.
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7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of
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flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per
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article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum", "vini, vidi, vici",
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"fetuccini alfredo".
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8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them
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you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member
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of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on
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every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs,
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and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ".
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9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
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citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the
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37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move
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a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
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10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have
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you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by
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now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of
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flamers' logic.
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11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
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12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this
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one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will
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undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This
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person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look
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generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult
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the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with
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vegetables."
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The Golden Rule of Flaming:
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My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny,
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caustic, or sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.
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Here endeth the scriptures.
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Joe Talmadge
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hplabs!hpda!hpsemc!jat
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--- ConfMail v3.1
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* Origin: [The Bear's Den -- The Coordinator's Cave] (1:109/74)
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