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Volume 5, Number 11 14 March 1988
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
| _ |
| / \ |
| /|oo \ |
| - FidoNews - (_| /_) |
| _`@/_ \ _ |
| International | | \ \\ |
| FidoNet Association | (*) | \ )) |
| Newsletter ______ |__U__| / \// |
| / FIDO \ _//|| _\ / |
| (________) (_/(_|(____/ |
| (jm) |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
Editor in Chief Dale Lovell
Editor Emeritus: Thom Henderson
Chief Procrastinator Emeritus: Tom Jennings
Contributing Editors: Al Arango
FidoNews is published weekly by the International FidoNet
Association as its official newsletter. You are encouraged to
submit articles for publication in FidoNews. Article submission
standards are contained in the file ARTSPEC.DOC, available from
node 1:1/1.
Copyright 1988 by the International FidoNet Association. All
rights reserved. Duplication and/or distribution permitted for
noncommercial purposes only. For use in other circumstances,
please contact IFNA at (314) 576-4067. IFNA may also be contacted
at PO Box 41143, St. Louis, MO 63141.
The contents of the articles contained here are not our
responsibility, nor do we necessarily agree with them.
Everything here is subject to debate. We publish EVERYTHING
received.
Table of Contents
1. ARTICLES ................................................. 1
Some Thoughts on Standards ............................... 1
PC-SIG CD-ROM On-line 24 hrs ............................. 3
GIZLIB....A QUICK BASIC DELIGHT .......................... 5
IDEAS FOR A NEW -AND BETTER- FIDONET ..................... 9
LT-286 A Superb Replacement For An XT Motherboard ........ 11
2. COLUMNS .................................................. 15
Let's YACK about The Programmer's Dictionary ............. 15
3. NOTICES .................................................. 23
The Interrupt Stack ...................................... 23
Latest Software Versions ................................. 23
FidoNews 5-11 Page 1 14 Mar 1988
=================================================================
ARTICLES
=================================================================
Thom Henderson, 107/528-520/1015
System Enhancement Associates, Inc.
Some Thoughts on Standards
If the FTSC ever publishes a standard on how to do echomail,
ARCmail, FOSSIL drivers, etc. I'll pay attention, but am I
supposed to make a big deal out of any random group that meets at
a wide spot in the road?
There are at present something like three thousand sysops in
FidoNet. Probably three hundred of them either now do, have
done, or intend to do network software -- and nobody knows
exactly which three hundred. No, we don't really intend to keep
all three thousand (or even three hundred) informed of every
little change that we may or may not make to every little
program, nor do we expect them to keep us informed. In theory,
at least, this is why you have a standards committee. We have no
objection to providing input to said committee on any technical
topic that it may wish to consider, but I don't see how SEA or
anyone else is bound to do any more than that.
If you let your standards committee do what it was meant to do,
then you will reap the benefits. But if you hobble it, thwart
it, or forbid it to act, then you will be (are) at the mercy of
the natural "market forces" in your network.
An excellent current example of this is echomail. None of you
will allow your standards committee to establish any standards
relating to echomail. Thus you are all at the potential mercy of
any developer who comes up with a new wrinkle, twist, or feature
that might be in demand, even though it may break your existing
systems. An actual example from your past is the whole Yahoo
experiment, which broke many systems in the name of perceived
features. Fortunately that is behind you now, but many of you
have yet to assimilate the lessons of it.
I've gotten a few people upset by referring to FidoNet as a
"mature technology". Those of you who would dearly love to "play
games" with the protocols (like the late, unlamented Yahoo
experiment) rail at that designation, but in few (if any) cases
have I been allowed to explain. By "mature" I mean that it is no
longer solely (or even mainly) a province of the hackers. Few on
your network either know or care how the stuff works. All they
care about is that it does. And THAT is the true strength of
your network, if you would only realized it. A percent or two of
performance, or a widget or two that maybe three out of three
thousand will use, is of little import compared to the mighty
throng to whom your network is a powerful tool for COMMUNICATION.
It is for them that Tom Jennings, Randy Bush, Ben Baker, and
myself saw the need for a standards committee, because for THEIR
FidoNews 5-11 Page 2 14 Mar 1988
needs stability is more important than widgets.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
FidoNews 5-11 Page 3 14 Mar 1988
The IEEE Port CD-ROM at 1:107/233 516-757-9469
As of March 16th 1987, the entire PC-SIG 705 disk library
of public-domain and shareware programs is on-line at the IEEE
Port (1:107/233). This has been done through the sponsorship of
the Institute of Electrical and Electronic Engineers (IEEE) which
has provided a Philips CM 100 CD-ROM player and the PC-SIG Disks
1-705 CD-ROM.
We have established a somewhat convoluted procedure for
gaining access to the over 700 directories on the PC-SIG CD-ROM
disk. This process is described below and is also readable on-
line at The IEEE Port.
The files listed below are file requestable 24hrs from
1:107/233. They are the ARCed Tables of Contents of the various
disks. Note that because all these files are ARCed you are
required to first download each of them to your own disk and
unARC them. Once you have done this, you may search for
occurrences of any particular string in the Tables of Contents
with one of these commands:
DFIND "string"
FFIND "string" outfile.nam
where "string" is the value for which you wish to search.
DFIND will display the results directly on the screen,
whereas FFIND will write the output of the search to a disk
file which you may subsequently search manually with an
editor or list program.
Index to PC-SIG Disks 1-705
===========================
P001-100.ARC Table Of Contents for disks 1 through 100
P101-200.ARC Table Of Contents for disks 101 through 200
P201-300.ARC Table Of Contents for disks 201 through 300
P301-400.ARC Table Of Contents for disks 301 through 400
P401-500.ARC Table Of Contents for disks 401 through 500
P501-600.ARC Table Of Contents for disks 501 through 600
P601-700.ARC Table Of Contents for disks 601 through 700
P701-705.ARC Table Of Contents for disks 701 through 705
PC-BIBLE.ARC Table Of Contents for The Bible (King James Vers)
FIND.ARC Batch commands to search Table of Contents files
SEALINK.ARC SEAlink 1.13 Excellent protocol to use for batch
downloading.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
PC-SIG LIBRARY - Disk Access Procedure
FidoNews 5-11 Page 4 14 Mar 1988
When you log on to the IEEE Port (300/1200/2400) (no pre-
registration is required) type "F" from the main menu to get to
the files area. The procedure to select which particular disk is
started in area 16 by typing "F". You will be given a menu that
looks like this:
Enter I - To get information on what files and programs are
available.
D - To get information on addressing a particular disk
from the PC-SIG Library and then to select a disk.
S - I've seen it all before, let's just select a disk!
C - Explain the use of SEAlink protocol for downloading
a disk.
Q - Quit.
I highly recommend option "C" for those who do not use SEAlink in
some form or another. It will save you a lot of time and typing.
Since you have the instructions here type "S" to select the
disk you wish to DL from. You will be prompted to enter the
number of the PC-SIG disk you wish to access. Type the numbers
as three whole numbers (i.e. to select disk 49 type "049"). You
will then be informed that you selection has gone thru and to
proceed to files area 99. In order to actually the access the
PC-SIG disk that you selected you will have to transfer to file
area 99. This area does not appear in the list of areas
maintained by OPUS; that's OK, just use the A99 to go there
anyway. Area 99 area will be pointing to the PC-SIG disk you
select.
Before OPUS will let you in to area 99 you must enter the
access code "PCSIG". Although you won't be able to use the F(ile
List) command here, you will be able to use the R(aw Directory)
display to see the names of all the files on the selected disk.
You may then download any file(s) as you normally would from any
file area, the only difference being that you will be DLing from
a subdirectory of the CD-ROM.
Usually there is a file named DISK###.TXT on each PC-SIG
disk so if you select disk 694, use the T(ype) command to list
out DISK694.TXT and get a descriptive file listing of the
selected disk.
I run SEAdog 4.11 on top of Opus 1.03a on an original IBM XT
with 2 ST 225s. A Zoom Short 2400 baud modem (internal) and a
Philips CM 100 CD-ROM Player. If you have any questions or
suggestions I am reachable at 1:107/233. As DLing disks from the
CDROM can be quite expensive over the phone line, I am more than
willing to fill any disk that is sent to me with whatever disks
you request. Please include return postage.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
FidoNews 5-11 Page 5 14 Mar 1988
By Gene Coppola 107/246
Some VERY Exciting things are happening to GLIB and
its loyal users!
I. What's New
The first and most obvious is the size of GLIB 1.4!
The library now has 90 routines available for use including
COMPLETE mouse and DOS level file control. This is about
50% more than in GLIB 1.31 and puts it on a par with some
of the expensive commercial libraries. And, many of the
GLIB routines run adequately under OS/2!
A. FUNCTIONS in Assembler!
This allows you to evaluate a subroutine as an
expression or assign the result in fewer lines of code!
For example:
OLD: CALL exist("foo.bar", ExistFlag)
IF ExistFlag THEN
.. <statements>..
NEW: IF exist("foo.bar") THEN
.. <statements>..
This lends itself to a number of advantages: code
is smaller, more easy to read, makes more sense and so
forth. All it requires is a simple DECLARE statement at
the start of your code. Even this is made simple with the
GLIB14.INC file you should have.
B. DOS Level File Functions:
GLIB 1.4 now supports complete file access via DOS
Functions. In so doing, you can completely avoid those
annoying runtime errors by letting DOS return you an error
code, rather than an error!
C. Mouse support.
We now have a considerable number of routines
added for mouse support, including cursor control, mouse
work area restrictions, mouse sensitivity (Mickey Factor).
These have been tested on the new Micro-soft (dove bar)
mouse, the Logitech mouse and the Mouse Systems mouse.
All seem to work fine except the Mouse Systems seemed
to need a explicit call to set the cursor mask, so we
have one which is called MSETCSR.
D. OVER FORTY new routines !!!
DAYOFYR - Gets current day of the year (1- 366).
DLIGHT - Trigger a floppy disk light on.
FCOPY - Copy a file, as quickly as DOS.
FCREAT - Create a new file, returning a File handle.
FidoNews 5-11 Page 6 14 Mar 1988
FEOF - Set file pointer to the end of a file.
FOPEN - Open a disk file, getting a DOS file handle.
FUNIQ - Create a unique/temporary file.
FWRITE - Write a string to a file opened with a DOS handle.
GETCH - Allow input from predefined string.
GET/SET FATTR - Get, set or reset file attributes.
GET/SET DRV - Get or set the default drive.
INCR / DECR - Replicate 2 TURBO BASIC functions
INSON/INSOFF - Toggle insert state on or off
KBLOOP - Old routine with syntax change.
LASTDRV - Return last logical drive on the system
LCOUNT - Count the number of lines in a file QUICKLY.
LNAMEF - Swap names to last-name-firstformat.
MCSRINC/MCSRDEC - Decrement mouse cursor flag
MCSRON/MCSROFF - Mouse cursor on or off.
MGETXY - Get mouse cursor location
MLONG /MNORM - Set / reset mouse Mickey Factor.
MPRESS - Get number of mouse button presses.
MRELEASE - Get number of mouse button releases.
MSETXY - Set mouse cursor location
MSETXRNG / MSETYRNG: Define/limit mouse work area.
MTYPE - Test for mouse existence.
PGETCH - GETCH with cenetered prompt.
RINSTR - Returns LAST position of a char in a string
READSCRN - Quickly read a string from the CRT
at current location
SYSTIME - Return system time as integers.
TFRMAT - Old routine with slight syntax change
VFNAME - Test to see if it is a valid filename.
VIDOFF - Turn CRT off.
VIDON - Turn CRT back on.
These are just the NEW routines listed above!
E. Top QB Libraries Team Up Commercially!!!
An agreement has been reached between Roy Barrows
of Project X Development Group and myself to merge our two
respective QuickBASIC libraries and market them under PROJECT
X's QBTOOLS/2.1.
By adding about 80% of the routines in GLIB (the
balance being duplicates) to QBTOOLS/2 as well as an
additional 14 or 15 I wrote up just for the occasion, the
number of callable routines in QBTOOLS/2.1 soars to
over 220!
This is not a decision I made lightly. There were
once 4 BBS distributed QB add on libraries and this is the
last to move to the commercial arena. After very careful
examination, it became clear that QBTOOLS and Roy ARE the
type of product and person that I have no compunction
about becoming associated with. QBTOOLS is quite genuinely
innovative and Roy is a gifted programmer, one look at
OSG (Screen Code Generator) will confirm that!
FidoNews 5-11 Page 7 14 Mar 1988
With over 220 routines, at $69.95, QBTOOLS is
undoubtedly the best value for the dollar in after market
add on libraries at only .36c per routine! But money is
not the only factor, because with QBTOOLS you get 220
WORKING routines.
Not only that, but you get a couple of the most
innovative QB developers utilities including OSG,
the Object Code Screen Generator, a source code
formatter and a library manager.
GLIB release 1.40, to be released Saturday Feb 6,
1988 will be the final BBS type release of GLIB. About
70 of the 90 routines including the FieldEditor, have
already been ported to QBTOOLS/2.1 and I will continue
to develop routines for the QBTOOLS/2.1 library.
The only conversion involved is to rename the
routines into longer more descriptive names characteristic
of the QBTOOLS/2.1 library. This means GLIB users who pick
up QBTOOLS/2.1 will suffer a minimum of upgrade shock and
still benefit from the many, many more routines available
in QBTOOLS/2.1. We will also be including an ALIAS file so
that longtime users of GLIB can use QBTOOLS with the
new/long names or the old/short names.
While there will be no further releases of
InfoSoft's GLIB or DLIB, USERS who register their copy will
be eligible for a 50% discount on QBTOOLS/2. This offer is
good only on the 2.xx releases of QBTOOLS since GLIB could
remain on BBS everywhere forever. We reserve the right to
alter, modify, extend or revoke this offer upon the release
of version 3.0. So, once you get QBTOOLS at $39.95, your cost
plummets to a paltry .18c per routine. But, you don't
get the discount by reading this but by registering your copy
of GLIB 1.4.
PLEASE!
o DO NOT attempt to register GLIB with PROJECT X, use
the mailer enclosed to register GLIB, and your name
will be forwarded.
o If you do NOT register GLIB, you do NOT get the
special 50% discount on QBTOOLS.
o DO NOT call Project X for GLIB support. I support
GLIB via The Information Booth at 316 684 8744.
After Feb 10, 1988 I will also be in a position to
support or answer questions on QBTOOLS.
Finally, I want to thank my beta testers Harry Hodson
Gene Coppola and Don Hawkinson for allowing themselves and
their machines to become guinea pigs at times.
FidoNews 5-11 Page 8 14 Mar 1988
Thank you for your support,
Gizmo Mike
The Information Booth
316 684 8744
GLIB14.ARC is available on 107/246 for F/R or download.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
FidoNews 5-11 Page 9 14 Mar 1988
Pablo Kleinman
Node 368/101
IDEAS FOR A NEW -AND BETTER- FIDONET
(Let's make some changes...)
Time goes by and the FidoNet grows faster every day.
I don't think that, when creating the Fido Bulletin Board System,
Tom Jennings knew he was starting something this big.
I have read lately some articles, where sysops express
their disagreement regarding the way things are going right now,
specially with IFNA.
Some sysops chose to form another, parallel net (like
Ryugen Fisher, for example), some others just expressed their
disappointment.
Thru this article, I want to give you my opinion, and to
present you a new idea, a new idea that also contains new
concepts.
I think something MUST BE DONE, before it is "too late".
The FidoNet nodelist has already 3000+ members, in all the
5 continents of the world, in about 30 countries. FidoNet has
become a totally INTERNATIONAL network, rather than an "American
one with some nodes overseas".
THE NEW IDEA I WANT TO PROPOSE IS THE FOLLOWING:
One "FidoNet Association" is created for each of the 4
zones (I'm assuming that Latin America will be Zone 4).
These associations may vary in their internal
organization, since each zone's requirements and neccesities are
very different.
When they are finally established, each designates 3
members to take part on the International FidoNet Council, that
is finally formed by those 12 representatives of the 4 zones.
Each zone has the right to have the Presidency of the
Council for 6 months a year (each has the right to preside over
the council once every two years).
The Council's President must be one of the 4 representatives
sent by the zone who designates him/her, and has the right to vote
twice when there is a tied vote.
The International Council is in charge of various things,
like designating the International Technical Coordinator, setting
the technical standards (either directly or by naming a
"technical committee"), publishing the Net's official newsletter,
and establishing the Net's basic international rules.
Comprehensive rules are established by each zone's association.
The International Council also acts as a "supreme
tribunal" for interzonal disputes. Any disputes within a zone are
to be arbitrated by the zone's association.
The Zonal FidoNet Associations are to be TRANSPARENTLY
DEMOCRATIC, which ensures the democratic qualities of the
International FidoNet Council, as well as of the net itself.
The Zonal Associations have the right to name the
coordinators for all the networks, regions as well as the zone's.
I HOPE YOU'LL HELP SHAPE THIS IDEA:
FidoNews 5-11 Page 10 14 Mar 1988
I personally think this concept still needs to be shaped
up. The "main idea" puts a special emphasis in democracy,
as well as on each sysops' right to determine their coordinators,
authorities and delegates to the main International Council.
I would like everybody to participate in the development
of this new idea, to ensure it's representability of all the
sysop's wishes.
Please, send mail to node 368/101 (soon-to-be 800/1) with
your opinions.
If FidoNet's and IFNA's current authorities consider
this idea feasible, an echomail conference could be created to
ensure everybody's participation on the development of this
new idea.
Thank you for taking the time to read this article, and
thanks to IFNA for maintaining a publication where everyone can
express oneself freely.
Pablo Kleinman (368/101)
Buenos Aires, Argentina
-----------------------------------------------------------------
FidoNews 5-11 Page 11 14 Mar 1988
Recently I saw an ad for an LT-286 replacement XT
motherboard. The price was so low, ($249) that I just
had to order one.
I expected to receive a real piece of garbage, but since
it comes with a 30 day money back warranty, I felt I had
nothing to lose. The LT-286 is also covered by a 2 year
warranty as well.
What I received was a nice surprise. The motherboard
came packed securely in anti-static plastic, packed with
peanuts in a heavy shipping container designed to hold
the motherboard, the manual, and additional memory or
co-processor chips.
Upon examination, I found a well designed circuit board
with no last minute jumpers soldered in. The memory chip
sockets are placed as far as possible from the 80286
chip to avoid heat problems.
This board has been designed to replace the motherboard
in an XT or clone, and has several features not seen in
any other replacement board.
The following VLSI components and subsystems are on the
motherboard as received and tested.
1) Intel 80286 microprocessor.
2) Intel 82284 8Mhz clock generator.
3) Intel 80287 co-processor (optional).
4) Intel 8237-5 4 channel DMA controller.
5) Intel 8255A-5 parallel interface.
6) Intel 8253-5 timer.
7) Intel 8259A interrupt controller.
A) 32k of Read Only Memory, optional to 64k.
B) One Megabyte of high speed, parity checked RAM.
C) High performance NO WAIT STATE bus controller.
D) 16 bit system bus to XT IO bus interface.
My only complaint with the design is the placement of
the 80287 chip socket. You will need to remove the
motherboard to install the 80287 chip at a later date.
Unlike an XT motherboard, this board has multiple data
buses. This is the key to understanding the astounding
speed this board produces. The LT-286 incorporates
several distinct data buses.
A) A fast 16-bit bus for the 80286 CPU and 80287 chip.
B) A fast 16-bit system bus for onboard RAM and EPROM.
C) A moderately fast 8-bit bus for onboard I/O.
D) A slow 8-bit expansion bus for offboard I/O.
The onboard RAM and I/O devices are clocked at the full
80286 speed using the 16 bit bus. The expansion bus
interface is clocked at a slower 4.77 Mhz rate. This
FidoNews 5-11 Page 12 14 Mar 1988
zero wait state system runs many times faster than its
clock speed might suggest to the casual observer who
naively compares computers by their clock speed.
My old board (a dual speed NEC V20) was only able to
accomplish at best a 1.7 on Norton's SI while the LT-286
registers a 7.7 using the same test.
Using the new Landmark Speed Test the LT-286 registers
an 8.8 reflecting the extra speed due to zero wait state
operation.
The second reason the LT-286 is so fast is the fact that
it incorporates a built in disk cache system. When the
motherboard is fully populated with 1 Megabyte of RAM
the excess RAM above 640k is used for the disk cache.
This is a true read/write cache. The only disadvantage
to this feature is that it takes 8k of main memory. The
cache can be turned off by changing jumpers on the
motherboard or by software methods.
The BIOS is dated September 7, 1987 and displays a
Copyright by Wave Mate. It is nice to have a recent BIOS
for a change. It shows that the designers of the LT-286
are regularly updating their product.
Before installing the LT-286 make sure you back up any
hard disks you have installed. Some controllers are very
sensitive to CPU timing and will require you to format
again, after you install the LT-286.
Don't take this statement the wrong way! After I
installed the board and did a complete format I had no
problems with the hard disk or the controller.
Installing the mother board took me about 15 minutes,
and it should not take you much longer. The longest time
was spent transferring the RAM chips from my old board.
The chips sockets on the LT-286 are well designed, but
it takes considerable effort to insert the RAM chips.
These sockets certainly will never allow a chip to jar
loose, and are probably also used in the TEMPEST grade
system the designers produce.
The new motherboard was an EXACT fit, and installed with
no problem what so ever, even though it went into a
clone and not a pure IBM XT.
A complete printed manual was included, with an updated
supplement, but there were no instructions included for
do-it-yourself installation.
All the connectors were where they belonged and if you
inspect the connections BEFORE you remove your board
you should be able to replace it with no problems. Since
the LT-286 comes with a 30 day money back warranty and I
FidoNews 5-11 Page 13 14 Mar 1988
run a multi-user bulletin board, the best way to burn in
this board was to run the BBS on it. So I set up the BBS
and let it run. I have had no problems to date, and the
board runs cool and performs well.
I have had no problem with any software I own. I tested
the LT-286 with all the standards, including Lotus 123,
dBase III+, Paradox, Professional Write, and Wordstar.
Even heavily protected software like PC-TECHNICIAN ran
with no problems. Due to the fast speed some protected
software might not run. However since all the major
software packages are no longer protected, this should
not present a problem.
Just to check I installed Lotus from my master disks
with no problems. dBase III+ also installed with no
problems. Vault and Prolock protected software installed
with no problems I could see.
Customer support is of primary concern, especially to
someone who might not be comfortable with installing a
new motherboard. I made up several interesting problems
and called for technical support. In each case the
technician was able to diagnose the problem and supply
the correct answer. Each technician was knowledgeable
and did not try and rush me off the phone. They spent as
much time as was needed to work through each problem.
The LT-286 is a fine product with a good design and good
technical support. I recommend this to anyone who wants
to upgrade their PC or XT to a 286 machine.
In this version their are eight expansion slots which
are 8-bit slots. This allows you to keep your old
expansion boards and use them with the LT-286. My Intel
Above Board, which is notorious for not working with
high speed systems works quite well. The bus design on
the LT-286 was designed to allow 8-bit expansion cards
to perform just like they were still in an 8088 system.
The LT-286 is really the baby in a fine line of new
products. Several other motherboards are also available
with both 8-bit and 16-bit buses, with clock speeds from
7.2 to 12.5 Mhz.
I would love to be able to test their top of the line
16-bit 12.5 Mhz motherboard in my system.
CTXT Systems, Incorporated founded in 1985, is the
originator of the Lateral Technology Concept, an
engineering philosophy based on technological hybrid
optimization. First manifested in the Lateral Technology
line of motherboards and desktop computer units, the
ultimate expression of Lateral Technology arrived in
1987 with their magnificent LTP-7 portable computer,
FidoNews 5-11 Page 14 14 Mar 1988
incorporating many industry firsts in a unique package:
a 14 inch diagonal 720x350 resolution gas plasma screen;
three half-height storage devices (up to 160Mb internal
hard disk drives available); seven full length expansion
slots in an Angular-Bus design (patent pending); full
size 84-key keyboard; a dozen brand new electronic
features, all in a 15"x17"x7 1/2" format weighing only
26 pounds thanks to the LTP-7's all TITANIUM chassis.
CTXT Systems Incorporated is located at 9205 E. Alabama
Avenue in Chatsworth, California. Their phone number is
(818)-341-4227. Their FAX number is (818)-709-6907.
If you call for information or to place an order please
ask for Susan Selbrede, and please mention this article
in FidoNews as your source of information about CTXT
Systems.
Susan is a very polite, well informed person who will be
glad to help you with any questions you might have, or
to take your order.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
FidoNews 5-11 Page 15 14 Mar 1988
=================================================================
COLUMNS
=================================================================
YACK
Yet Another Complicated Komment
by Steven K. Hoskin
( STEVE HOSKIN at 1:128/11 )
Episode 3: The Programmer's Dictionary
The orginal version of this that I ever saw was in a
photocopied article from a magazine of some kind. I therefore
have no clue as to whom I should be giving credit for the initial
conception of this collection of fundies, but over the years my
friends and I have added to this, and this is one of the later
versions of...
The Programmer's Dictionary
---------------------------
Algorithm - New type of musical beat, known best for being hard
to dance to.
Analyst - The person who always has an answer. See also,
Son/Daughter.
Argument - Unpleasant encounter with the instructor after mid-
terms.
Array - That which comes out of Buck Roger's gun.
Assumed Decimal Point - Located two postions to the right of a
programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth.
BASIC - 1. Adjective used to describe programs to give to
rookies. 2. Programming language once erroneously thought
to be user-friendly.
Backup - Action taken by a programmer when an accident is about
to happen in front of his/her car.
Batch - A small complaint.
Binary - A program missing two program statements.
Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.
Board - Most common mental state of most programmers.
Bucket - An item on a table that catches spare data.
Bug - A small German car that runs rampid in your program.
FidoNews 5-11 Page 16 14 Mar 1988
Bus - As in Greyhound or PDP, upon which all data commute to
work.
Byte - 1. What computer science students do to their pencils. 2.
An action that programmers teach their dogs to do to
operators.
C - A lie commonly told by novice programmers; "I see..."
COBOL - Fraternity/Sorority mix party.
CRT - An adjective that describes the way programmers talk to
operators, i.e., "Why are you so curt to me?"
Cable - Pay television for programmers and printers.
Card Punch - Machine known in this day and age for making good
note cards to write memos on.
Card Reader - Woman who tells fortunes.
Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up
output.
Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer draws his
salary.
Close - Description of the constant state of operator's minds.
Comments - See Fixed Word Length.
Common Language - The first thing a programmer must forget in
order to be successful.
Comp Sci Instructor - See also, God.
Compiler - Program that continuously finds fault with your work.
See also, Wife/Husband.
Complex - Adjective used to describe problems to be avoided.
Computer - Scientific Phenomenon; it is probably the only thing
in this world that can understand a programmer.
Computer Bank - Where your computer stores the money it embezzles
when your accounting program has a "bug" in it.
Concantonation - Catholic ritual performed once a year to bless
programmers.
Copyright - 1. A hacker's self-invested authority to duplicate
any software package on the market. 2. Knowledge that such
duplication has been performed properly
Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples.
FidoNews 5-11 Page 17 14 Mar 1988
Counter - A device over which martinis are served.
Cursor - Someone who Batches a lot.
DATA DIVISION - Keypunch section.
DIVISION - Partitions between offices.
Data Base - Phrase commonly heard by the first base coach of a
softball team made up entirely of programmers.
Debugging Aids - 1. Insecticides. 2. Computer Science
instructors.
Decision Gate - What programmers use to choose which computer
language they will use.
Device Driver - Licensed vehicle operator.
Digitizer - Machine that reduces physical objects to computer
memory, just like in the movie TRON.
Directory - Listing showing where everyone works. See also, Dump
List.
Disk - Toy used by programmers with nothing better to do. See
also, Board, Frisbee.
Disk Management - Sensible care of one's back.
Disk Pack - The result of lifting too much weight over your head.
Dummy Arguments - Discussions between operators.
Dump - Slang term for the computer building (i.e., Why do I
spend so much time in this Dump?)
Dump List - List of office branches in the computer building.
ENVIRONMENT DIVISION - The people that scan your office for fire
hazards and unhealthy deposits of smoke.
Error - What someone else has made when he disagrees with your
computer output.
Execution - Punishment for programmers who do not follow the
Standards Manual. See also, Network.
External Storage - Wastebasket.
FORTRAN - Model train set up on the floor, usually HO scale.
Fixed Word Length - Four-letter words used by programmers in a
state of confusion.
Flippy Disk - Side two of an LP record.
FidoNews 5-11 Page 18 14 Mar 1988
Floating Control - A characteristic exhibited when you have to go
to the restroom but can't leave the computer.
Floating Point - The absolute limit before floating control is
lost.
Floppy Disk - The result of driving a Floppy Drive.
Floppy Drive - A car with a flat tire.
Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the fastest route to the
restroom.
Format - What you wipe your feet on before entering the computer
building.
Free - Obsolete expression.
Function - What a program never does on the first run, seldom
does on subsequent runs, and when it finally does, is a good
indication that the program is obsolete.
Function Key - Tool required to make a program work. Commonly
hidden in Bugs.
GOSUB - Polite way for programmers to tell operators where to go.
See also, Go To.
Gigabyte - The little laugh that comes out of an operator's mouth
when he/she bites his/her tongue.
Global Variable - Internationally known Variable, such as Anita
Bryant. See also, Variable.
Go To - Often used in conjunction with Biblical locations. See
also, fixed word length.
Hacker - Someone who coughs a lot.
Hard Disk - The result of much muscle-building work on one's
back.
Hard Drive - A car with solid rubber wheels.
Hardware - Something that, if you play with it long enough, it
breaks. See also, Software.
Head Crash - Last step before a computer Go To, usually executed
by a programmer crashing his head against the nearest wall.
Head Thrashing - What programmers do when upset at operators. See
also, Head Crash.
Hexadecimal - High resolution trick, using a six-sided dot for a
decimal point.
FidoNews 5-11 Page 19 14 Mar 1988
Hierarchy - Chain of command.
High Memory - State of mind a programmer is in when his/her
program finally works properly. See also, Function.
High Order Language - See Fixed Word Length.
IC - Lie commonly uttered by Computer Science students.
IDENTIFICATION DIVISION - The security guards for your company's
parking lot.
Infinite Loop - See Loop.
Initialize - First visual input devices appearing on infant
programs.
Input - Food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc.
Interrupt - Usually the result of a Keypunch. See also, Head
Crash.
Jump - 1. Dangerous move commonly made by programmers to get to
conclusions easier. 2. Something programmers do when a
program works. See also, High Memory
Jumper - 1. Programmer with a working program. 2. Suit worn by
female programmers.
Keyboard - A random series of keystrokes, usually either "asdf"
or "l;kj", used when programmers are bored.
Keypunch - Error solving technique used by many programmers,
consisting of applying his fist to the teletype terminal.
Laser Printer - Machine dedicated to producing blueprints for new
and better Lasers.
Last Pointer - Used by the Computer Science Instructor as
deterence. See also, Next Pointer.
Light Pen - A pen commonly used by programmers because it is
easier to use, due to its reduced weight.
Line Printer - Machine that prints lines on blank paper. Also
known as Paper Shredder.
Local Variable - Closet Variable. See also, Variable.
Logical Operator - Extinct Species.
Logo - The way a survivalist programmer goes past a window when
someone is shooting at him through it.
Logorithm - Old kind of musical beat, best known for its lack of
motion.
FidoNews 5-11 Page 20 14 Mar 1988
Loop - See Infinite Loop.
Low Memory - 1. The characteristic a calculator exhibits when
the battery is out of energy. 2. Adjectival phrase
describing most programmer's ability to remember.
Machine Language - Grunts, groans, squeaks, shudders, etc.
Macro - The last half of an expression of surprise; "Holy
Macrol".
Mag Tape - New scientific metallic adhesive strip that can be
applied to the hubcaps of your car to make them look "cool".
Mainframe - The portion of a film used to focus the projector.
Mass Bus - A very large bus, sometimes a GMC motor coach. See
also, Bus.
Memory Dump - Amnesia.
Memory Extension Board - Review of a programmer's ability to
remember.
Mouse - Small creature that leaves tracks on a screen.
Network - Punishment for programmers who do not write efficient
code, where they are sent out to tie terminals together as
hard labor.
Next Pointer - The pointer designated by the Comp Sci instructor
to be used when the Current Pointer breaks. See also,
Pointer, Pointer Stack.
Open - Description of the constant state of operator's mouths.
Operator - The person who always rips your program in half when
removing it from the line printer. See also, Inefficient.
Output - See Floating Control.
Overflow - That condition resulting from exceeding the Floating
Point.
Owner - The person who tells you when you can and cannot use the
computer.
PASCAL - Frantic shout by quarterback when throwing the football
to an unaware reciever.
PINBOL - Most widely used language. Terminals often found in
pool halls.
PROCEDURE DIVISION - The office that tries to tell you how to do
your job. See also, Wife, Husband.
FidoNews 5-11 Page 21 14 Mar 1988
Pointer - Used by computer science instructors to encourage
students to behave.
Pointer Stack - Arsenal. See also, Pointer.
Post Mortem Dump - Place for dead programmers. See also, Dump.
Programmer - Red-eyed mumbling mammal capable of conversing with
inanimate objects.
RAM - 1. A mountain animal. 2. Usual speed at which a
headcrash is performed.
RETURN - 1. What some programmers never do when they "lose" it.
2. What some programs never do when they "Go West".
RPG II - Artoo's little cousin.
Run - Ritual feared greatly by programmers.
Runaway Subscript - Delinquint member of your program's family.
SNOBOL - What programmers throw at operators in the winter time.
Scope - 1. Thing programmers do to a new dump (See Dump). 2.
Mouthwash for operators.
Screen - Used in futile by programmers to try and keep bugs out
of their programs.
Significant Digit - Middle finger of either hand, commonly used
by programmers while talking to operators.
Sin - Not attending Concantonation services.
Software - Something where, if you play with it long enough, it
works. See also, Hardware.
Software Piracy - The act of stealing a programmer's bed.
Squash Routine - Pre-planned execution of agile moves in an old
British game.
Stack - Favourite part on a female computer for male programmers.
Standards Book - Instructions for driving stick-shift cars.
String - Used to tie data together.
Structured Programming - Contradiction of terms.
TROFF - What pigs eat out of.
TRON - What your mother or wife says when she's found a new suit
for you, "Here's something I want you to TRON."
FidoNews 5-11 Page 22 14 Mar 1988
TURBO PASCAL - New and powerful car, requiring a special diskette
in order to legally drive it. Commonly seen breaking speed
limits when traversing Mass Buses.
Tape - Sometimes used to chain programmers.
Tape Drive - Best known for its ability to have lunch in the
middle of reading the only copy of a source tape.
Terminal - Status of most programmers, especially after the user
sees the programs he/she has written.
Text Editor - Employee of a local newspaper.
Top-Down Structure - Impressive accidental coincidence when
found. See also, Structured Programming.
Trapezoidal Rule - Country ruled completely by trapezoids.
Underflow - Symptom of an impotent programmer.
User - The person who never seems to be able to tell you what
he/she wants from the computer.
User-Friendly - Synonym for anti-programmer.
Variable - Bi-sexual programmer.
Vector - The first name of the lowest part of your operating
system's memory.
Voice Synthesizer - Device used by programmers to communicate
with human beings.
WATFOR - Statement frequently uttered by computer science
students.
WRITE Statement - Opposite of Wrong Statement.
Word Processor - Machine that makes food out of old computer
listings.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
FidoNews 5-11 Page 23 14 Mar 1988
=================================================================
NOTICES
=================================================================
The Interrupt Stack
16 May 1988
Digital Equipment Corporations Users Society Spring Symposium.
Will be held May 16-May 20 in Cincinnati, OH.
16 Jul 1988
A new areacode, 508, will form in eastern Massachusetts and
will be effective on this date. The new area code will be
formed from the current areacode 617. Greater Boston will
remain areacode 617 while the rest of eastern Massachusetts
will form the new areacode 508.
25 Aug 1988
Start of the Fifth International FidoNet Conference, to be
held at the Drawbridge Inn in Cincinnati, OH. Contact Tim
Sullivan at 108/62 for more information. This is FidoNet's big
annual get-together, and is your chance to meet all the people
you've been talking with all this time. We're hoping to see
you there!
24 Aug 1989
Voyager 2 passes Neptune.
If you have something which you would like to see on this
calendar, please send a message to FidoNet node 1:1/1.
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all utilities here, only those which verge on necessity.
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FidoNews 5-11 Page 24 14 Mar 1988
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Membership for the International FidoNet Association
Membership in IFNA is open to any individual or organization that
pays a specified annual membership fee. IFNA serves the
international FidoNet-compatible electronic mail community to
increase worldwide communications.
Member Name _______________________________ Date _______________
Address _________________________________________________________
City ____________________________________________________________
State ________________________________ Zip _____________________
Country _________________________________________________________
Home Phone (Voice) ______________________________________________
Work Phone (Voice) ______________________________________________
Zone:Net/Node Number ____________________________________________
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Baud Rates Supported ____________________________________________
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Your Special Interests __________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
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In what areas would you be willing to help in FidoNet? __________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Send this membership form and a check or money order for $25 in
US Funds to:
International FidoNet Association
c/o Leonard Mednick, MBA, CPA
700 Bishop Street, #1014
Honolulu, Hawaii 96813-4112
USA
Thank you for your membership! Your participation will help to
insure the future of FidoNet.
Please NOTE that IFNA is a general not-for-profit organization
and Articles of Association and By-Laws were adopted by the
membership in January 1987. The first elected Board of Directors
was filled in August 1987. The IFNA Echomail Conference has been
established on FidoNet to assist the Board. We welcome your
input to this Conference.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
FidoNews 5-11 Page 25 14 Mar 1988
INTERNATIONAL FIDONET ASSOCIATION
ORDER FORM
Publications
The IFNA publications can be obtained by downloading from Fido
1:1/10 or other FidoNet compatible systems, or by purchasing
them directly from IFNA. We ask that all our IFNA Committee
Chairmen provide us with the latest versions of each
publication, but we can make no written guarantees.
Hardcopy prices as of October 1, 1986
IFNA Fido BBS listing $15.00 _____
IFNA Administrative Policy DOCs $10.00 _____
IFNA FidoNet Standards Committee DOCs $10.00 _____
SUBTOTAL _____
IFNA Member ONLY Special Offers
System Enhancement Associates SEAdog $60.00 _____
SEAdog price as of March 1, 1987
ONLY 1 copy SEAdog per IFNA Member
Fido Software's Fido/FidoNet $100.00 _____
Fido/FidoNet price as of November 1, 1987
ONLY 1 copy Fido/FidoNet per IFNA Member
International orders include $10.00 for
surface shipping or $20.00 for air shipping _____
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HI. Residents add 4.0 % Sales tax _____
TOTAL _____
SEND CHECK OR MONEY ORDER IN US FUNDS:
International FidoNet Association
c/o Leonard Mednick, MBA, CPA
700 Bishop Street, #1014
Honolulu, HI. 96813-4112
USA
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