110 lines
6.3 KiB
Plaintext
110 lines
6.3 KiB
Plaintext
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(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)
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(*) (*)
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(*) Roach Torture (*)
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(*) written by Red Matrix (*)
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(*) (*)
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(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)
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Roaches, those tiny little bastards that exist to make your life as
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disgusting as possible. They serve no imaginable purpose unless you're
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a fanciful person like me who knows how to keep those critters from coming
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back. There are many ways to kill a roach, but the sole intent of this file
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is to teach you how to kill a roach slowly and how to inflict the maximum
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amount of pain on the little bastard. Last summer we had a real roach
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problem in our basement, but this year I haven't seen a single roach in
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our house (hmm, I wonder why...). Anyway, here goes...
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Part I: Mental methods
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Contrary to popular belief, roaches can possess a remarkable amount
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of intelligence and can be influenced in more complex means. If you spot
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a roach sitting on your carpet, get down on your knees and get face to
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face with the little shit. Then whisper in a heinious, ominous voice
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"Auuusssscccchhhhwwiiiittttzzzzz". Make sure you draw the word out; this
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makes it sound more like a hiss. If the roach has any brains, it will get
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the hell out of your room (and your house) and bother someone else.
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If the roach hasn't had any history lessons spread the parts of previously
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tortured inmates on the floor. Better yet, set up a fence of barbed wire
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around the roach, throw the body parts in and play Siegfried's Funeral
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March by Wagner at full blast. Set up cardboard gas chambers and spray
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Raid inside so that the roach gets the idea of his predicament. After 5
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minutes, let him go. He will tell his brothers about the hell on earth
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he has just witnessed and they'll all leave your house. Remember that
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these methods only work on intelligent roaches and that you don't have
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to be a sadistic Nazi pig to do this. Think of it as an extermination
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service and you'll have no problem. This motto goes for the rest of the
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file, which at this point will become far gorier...
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Part II: Impalements
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For some people, sticking an object through a roach is sick, demented,
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and a flagrant violation of animal rights. If you really hate them though
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you'll enjoy watching the roach writhe in agony. The easiest way to impale
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a roach is to grab a toothpick and stick it right in the middle of the bitch.
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It will wriggle around in a futile effort to get loose. This is when you
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grab hold of the roach's body and push it into the middle of the toothpick.
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Then draw two big cardboard wheels, cut them out and stick the two ends of
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the toothpick into the center of each wheel. Spray the deathmobile with
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gasoline and light the fucker. The roach will have the sensation of burning
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to death on the stake (quite literally). If you're hungry, dip the toothpick
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into barbecue sauce before impaling the roach. That way, you'll have a
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delicious morsel to eat after the execution is completed! Roaches do taste
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a lot like chicken, and the meat of basted roach just dissolves in your
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mouth! If eating roaches just isn't your thing, you can impale them in a
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messier fashion. You'll need about 30 needles for this trick. After you
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get the equipment, push the roach onto a piece of wood. Then stick a needle
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in the center of the roach. Watch him squirm for 30 seconds and then put
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another needle into the location of your choice. Chances are that the roach
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won't live to feel all 30 needles, but you never know. The roaches of the
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African variety have been known to move with 50 needles sticking out of
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their hide. After the impalement is finished, pull the needles out (they're
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reusable) and let the roach's body fluids soak the wood. This action will
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let future victims know that they're about to be executed when they reach
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this spot, causing them to react with greater fear. The actual disposal of
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the body will be discussed later in this file.
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Part III: Dissection
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Watching dismembered body parts move on their own fascinates some
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people more than others; if this applies to you then maybe you'll prefer
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to use this method. It is easiest to start off with sticking one needle
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in the front and the other in the back of the roach. Then grab a steak
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knife and slowly cut through the tissue of the bugger. You'll have a first
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hand look at the still operating organs and at the same time have the
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satisfaction of watching it in its death throes. Once again, if your
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hunger should take over, you can pick up a piece and try to suck the meat
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out (like a popsicle). The feeling of squirming roach meat in your mouth
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is hard to describe. Another variant of dissection is to slice the roach
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up piece by piece. Cut off its legs and antennae and watch it roll
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around the floor in desperation. Or carefully open the shell and watch
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the roach surge upward as the pain jolts through its body. Dissection
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is one of the quicker ways for the roach to die and one of the more
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interesting ways to observe.
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Part IV: Body Disposal
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After your dirty deeds are finished, you are left with one remnant
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of the execution: the corpse. I have already mentioned some ways of ridding
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yourself of the body; slicing it up into little pieces and spreading it
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on the floor or eating the juicy morsel of meat. There is nothing wrong
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with these methods of disposal, but in my opinion every criminal deserves
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a dignified burial. Give your roach a name, preferably of someone you hate
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(Bakker Roach, etc.). Then find an empty matchbox and put the body in the
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casket. Label the casket, recite a brief prayer, and drop the roach into
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the toilet. If the roach was particularly hard to kill take a shit before
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flushing the toilet (don't worry, dead roaches can't crawl up your ass).
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Pull the handle and your kill is history. After the ceremony, keep your
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eye open for any other roaches (although they'd be pretty stupid to come
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anywhere near you if they got any word of the torture...).
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Well, that does it for roach torture, if I get enough requests I'll
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write a sequel to this file mentioning more methods of killing those
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bastard creatures from hell. Enjoy!
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7/28/90
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