textfiles/anarchy/MISCHIEF/ppfiles.ana

View: INTRODUCTION TO PP [PP]

     Well, hello there boys and girls!!  It's a beautiful day in the........
Anyway, welcome to the first set of philes from Purgatory Productions.	Some-
time in the summer of '86, some friends and I put out an Apple text disk with
mostly philes from the IBM side of things, so they were relatively new to the
Apple people.  The disk only contained two small original philes, but it was
still rather popular in the Apple world.  Anyhow, we're back again with all new
philes, and not Apple-specific.

     So what exactly are we??  Well we're not like Phrack, TSR, or any other
news-type group.  Actually, we only plan to write crazy fucked-up humor philes,
somewhat like the early Neon Knights stuff (which we found quite funny...).
Anyhow,  you'll figure it out.  The members of Purgatory Productions are as
follows: 007 007, Big Dave, and Warewolf (ain't that a cranking name?!).  One
or more members can be found on the following boards if contact with them is
for any reason desired.  There is no set schedule for the releasing of new
material, as we're lazy and don't like being rushed.  You can expect at least
something once every month though.  New releases can be found on the following
boards: Metal AE...The DarkSide AE...The PUD...The Works...and Fringe...
If you don't have the numbers, than either find them or don't.

     Ok, the two philes distributed along with this are both in the spirit of
Halloween.  The first is How to Beat the Living Shit Out of Pets <OR>
Sacrificing Your Cats and Dogs to SATAN! and the second is a reformatted and
updated Supermarket Fun.  That's about it, have fun and Happy Trick or
Treating...

Remember: comments, suggestions, or whatever are welcomed and can be received
at the previously mentioned boards in care of 007 007...

					   - Purgatory Productions Staff -

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HOW TO BEAT PETS [PP]

     Hi, well your damn life sucks, eh?

     Well, come on lets go take out all that damn anger and frustration on
something.  What, your girlfriend dumped you?  Shit....what the hell are you
going to do...I got it.....yeah.....


//***************************************************************************\\
||									     ||
||		   HOW to Beat the Living Shit Out of Pets		     ||
||				    <OR>				     ||
||		  Sacrificing Your Cats and Dogs to SATAN!!		     ||
||									     ||
||			     ^(Pretty sweet, eh?)^			     ||
\\***************************/*******************\***************************//
			     | By...		 |
			     |	    ...Big Dave  |
			      \_________________/


     First of all, anyone who is into animal rights, (Mr. Rogers, safety
groups, or Commie users) just abort this right here.  In fact, after you do
that go get a gun and shoot yourself 'cause you are forever going to be a
loser.

     Well, lets analyze the normal American family...two cats, a dog, a
goldfish, and whatever the hell else you have (Of course if you're a loser and
are allergic to these great assets to our community it looks like your out in
the cold, what are you looking at, hit ctrl-C, Ok?).  Well anyway, each has
special needs and MUST be well treated...right boys and girls....yeah...the
outline begins here...take notes and turn on your printers.

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				  The Family Dog

	(If you thought what they did to the dog in Gremlins was bad...)

     Well first off, this thing is a lousy piece of shit, kick the fucker a few
times, (esp. in the face and rib cage).  What, the shitty mutt tried to bite
you??  Kick the asshole some more.  Ok, play time's over, get that ball, yeah
the red one he loves so much...put some firecrackers in it and throw.....hmmmm,
my, your dog seems to have no teeth Mr. Jones, maybe you ought to see a vet
about his problem...

     Fuck this shit, get the rope and knife out.  (Yeah if you homo's think
this is bondage, fuck off, go die of AIDS!).  OK, now our good buddy and pal
Rover is all tied up....so what now....well I suggest the pads (Yeah those
black things on the bottom of the dogs foot).  Just take the knife and slice
'em right in half about four or five of these....pretty damn nice....don't you
think so...I do.  Ok, so the dog is squealing and yelping mighty damn loud by
now, good.  Hey, do you have any cups?	This shit could be a mighty nice pres-
ent for the interior of a new car....Why I know this Porsche...Well the mangy
piece of shit is lying bleeding, eh.  Kick the fucker again (What the hell,
only the best for my pets!).  Ok....he's hurting pretty bad now (At least I
hope)  So, how about we cut off his left back leg, you know those back legs are
mighty damn big and you know those Chinese love cooked dog.  Maybe you can make
some money out of this.  Hmmmm....I'm looking over my dead dog Rover, that I
ran over with the mower, pretty cool, eh?  Well how about we cut off his
head, damn this shit is getting pretty messy, but it's worth it, trust me.
Have you ever seen those ranchers that think they are cool with a cow's head on
the front of their cars.  Well with a dog's head on the front of your car, you
will be THE coolest, as well as the envy of the town.  Of course, you can
always just tie the dog to the car and accelerate. (No this isn't National
Lampoons Vacation, this is real!)  Hmmm...you say what...the dog's getting
boring, eh?  I agree, lets move on to my FAVORITE animal...the cat...


				 The Cat

     A cat is by far the laziest ass bastard animal in the world.  Yeah, you
know yours just great.	These little unloyal fuckers do NOTHING with their
lives and are loyal to no one. (Except for maybe, Satan?)  Well anyway, these
things really piss me off (Of course that's why i have two...), I suggest we
start this by making sure that you have a few of these bastards.  These things
are smaller than dogs, therefore you need more.  How 'bout if we start
this by going up to the roof and throwing one or two off.  (Yeah, you get the
idea, take bets to see if he REALLY does land on all fours!)  Pretty nice, eh?
Ok, the next thing I suggest is to get one of these fuckers and place it in
your garbage smasher (Hopefully you have a trashbag to line it) and turn it on.
It really is pretty awesome to see a cat that was about 10 inches across be-
come 1 inch in a minute (Not to mention the great sound effects!).  Ever notic-
ed how intrigued cats are with their fur??  How about burning it off...(Yeah, I
know burning hair smells, but it's worth it!)...then toss the inflamed animal
into a big tub of water. (We all know how cats LOVE water!!)  Drop the cat in
boiling sealing wax, and take bets on how long he lives.  Hell, in fact, tie a
big steak to the cat, put him outside, and wait for some dog to try and take
it....makes for good entertainment if you don't have a TV.

     Now, if you thought that a rabbit's foot gave you some luck, just wait
until you try out a nice cat's foot.  Just find a nice little kitty and thwack
off one of it's feet.  Then burn the remaining stump so it won't become TO
infected (this is only to keep the shitbag alive until later use).  Now you
have a nice foot that can be worn around your neck, your belt, put in your
pocket, or hung by your rear-view mirror (sure beats them fuzzy dice!).  You
may wish to dye your cat's foot, in this case just dip it in a can of paint.
You'll be amazed by the good luck this little trinket will bring you.


			   Gerbils and Hamsters

     I personally haven't the slightest idea why anyone has these animals??
They do nothing but shit and smell up your house.  Handle these babes in a
quick manner.  Take a paper shredder, insert, and viola!, no more pesky animal
that stinks up your house.  Another good idea is to toss two or three of these
guys in a microwave...kinda makes a nice collage on the top of the oven, don't
you think?  Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if we put our friend the cat in
the same room with one of these.  A fun game to play with a gerbil is to try
and suck it up with a vacuum.  No, not those floor models...the canister ones
with nice long pipes to do the sucking.  You won't have any trouble catching
the bastards with one of these.  Be sure to clean out the bag regularly though.
A gerbil's greatest sense is his hearing, he can barely see worth shit.  So,
let's put our little rodent friend in a cage and put it right by your 150 watt
speakers.  Then crank up something and watch the thing go crazy.  Watching
a small rodent contort itself to death is a very relaxing thing.  In fact, it's
almost as relaxing as watching fish swim, which brings us to...


				 The Family Fish

     Another pointless animal....place the bowl in a microwave and watch as the
fish begins to feel hell's flames consuming him.  It should end by the water
mostly evaporating and the fish exploding. (Not to exciting, but then again how
exciting is a fish??)  We all know how well a fish can swim in water...but can
he swim in say, bleach??  Try putting the thing in various toxic liquids, and
see how long he can survive.  We've all heard about stories where people over-
fed their fish, and they just "blew-up".  So why don't you try this yourself
and see what happens, as you should never believe hearsay.

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     There are a variety of other animals and things to do.  My favorite of
course is the old burlap bag and a stone...just thinking of that brings a smile
to my face.  So the next time you see that stray cat, or stupid hamster, kill
it...have fun...and remember that the point is just to enjoy yourself.


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:	       The previous phile has been brought to you by....	      :
:_____________		     ____	 ____			 _____________:
: Released...|		    |____)	|____)			 |Released... :
: ...10/31/87|		    | urgatory	| roductions		 |...10/31/87 :
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     Oh, almost forgot...if you're fucked up enough to take this seriously,
please try to get some help before it's to late...adios...
							   - Big Dave

SUPERMARKET FUN '87 [PP]

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			 \     __	       __      /
			 /    |__'            |__      \
			 \    .__|upermarket  |  un    /
			 /			       \
			 -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
				   _____   _____
			       "" |     | `     |
				  |_____|	|
				  |	|	|
				  |_____|	|

			  ...By the prolific 007 007...

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     Well, well, well, look at what we have here...this might seem like an old
phile that was released in Purgatory I, but guess again.  That's right folks...
it's the ALL NEW Supermarket Fun '87!!

     A few notes here on the purpose of this...1) The old one was only mostly
seen in the Apple domain as it WAS on an Apple specific text disk, and since my
only purpose in life is to distribute knowledge...2) The old one was in crank-
ing 60 columns, and looked quite goofy...and 3) I've come up with more
wonderful ideas, because I care about YOU, the home reader......anyhow, that's
what the deal is...

	Now, on with this damn phile, eh?

     As some of you might have already guessed, this phile will tell you all
about how to have loads of fun in any supermarket or grocery store.  There are
many different things to do in a supermarket that will provide entertainment as
well as pissing off people in general.	First, though, you should get some
friends to increase the entertainment value of the whole excursion, as well as
to provide even more destruction.

     I've found that you can get away with a lot of things (playing chase
throughout the aisles, playing soccer or football with various perishables,
etc.) and no one will say anything.  If anyone does say anything, do the kindly
anarchist thing and tell them to fuck off.

     Ok.  One very fun thing to do is fuck with the shopping carts themselves.
You can fill up many carts and then strew them all around the store, for ex-
ample.	I'm sure that almost every employee just loves to spend their time
ridding the store of the bogus carts you created.  Or maybe you would rather
gather ten or so carts and then make barriers in aisles when no one is looking.
Wouldn't you like to hear "Um...Frank..someone seems to have made a collection
of carts in aisle four, so could you clean it up please, thank you..." announc-
ed over the loudspeaker system of your nearest Giant or Safeway?  Or you can
have your very own shopping cart drag races in the frozen food section.  Per-
haps you're one of the more destructive types.  If you are, then "bumper carts"
is just for you.  Just smash the carts into one another and relive those magic
childhood moments at the carnival.  One VERY funny stunt that produces great
results is fucking with other people's carts.  Just go around throwing things
into carts when the owner is not looking.  "Wait a minute..where the hell did
this damn watermelon come from?!  I hate watermelons."  Doing that can great-
ly confuse a person, so go ahead, make someone think they're goin' crazy!

     Another fun thing to do at a grocery store is, of course, playing with the
food.  See how many times you and a friend can throw toilet paper over aisle
eight without hitting anyone.  You can always go for 'distance' by throwing
fruits or vegetables over as many aisles as possible.  Or perhaps you would
rather test your bowling skills.  Just stack up anything handy (paper towels,
cans, plastic soda bottles, etc.) and roll any sphere like object at it (mel-
ons, or perhaps a can of Kool Aid?)  You could always play a quick game of
basketball.  Just set up an empty cart and find something that bounces (or
doesn't), then go for those three point shots.  In fact, almost every major
sport (except water polo, but that's not a major sport, now is it?) can be
played with ease at your closest supermarket or grocery store.

     Pissing off the employees is also entertaining.  I'm sure you can think of
many ways to do this, but try the following.  Trying to buy alcohol if you're
under age (insist that you aren't!), shouting obscenities, eating 'bulk' food
right out of the container, dropping (accidentally of course!) a few glass bot-
tles, going down to where the employees eat and just sit at the table, and also
try to buy nine packs of gum in the '8 items or less' lane.  You could also try
loitering, just sit at the magazine rack and catch up on your reading.	Another
fun thing to do is to keep bugging an employee hard at work.  I'm sure an em-
ployee would appreciate it if you dragged him from his task just so you could
buy one red hot from the bulk food section.

     Yet another entertaining thing to do is cause the store to lose customers.
The easiest way to do this is to just buy something so you and a friend can get
in line.  Then look at what the person ahead of you is getting and tell you
friend that "whatever the next person has" was laced with poison or something
to that effect.

     Oh, here's yet another entertaining thing to do.  Go outside the store and
look for carts that are full and just sitting there with no on by them (the
owner has gone to get his/her car).  When you have found such a cart, take some
bags or better yet, take the whole cart.  Now you have a weeks worth of free
groceries.  So get some friends together and have a party (what else would you
do with six bags of food?)  If the owner suddenly appears while you are "buy-
ing" your groceries, just push the cart as hard as you can at him/her and take
off.  If you are lucky enough two find two of these carts, then you can have
some real fun.	Just start taking things out of one cart and chuck it in the
other, better yet, just exchange bags!	Then sit back and watch the confusion.
Although the people probably won't notice the difference until they get home
and unpack.  Don't you wish you could see their reaction?!  Oh, you could also
just take someones cart and move it down a bit...that way you could see their
reaction and that would of course increase your enjoyment.

     A vast amount of fun can be had in the frozen food section.  Just take
some frozen products or ice cream and put them in one of those deserted aisles
so they can thaw out.  After that, cruise over to where ever the food coloring
is kept and snag some.	Then go back to frozen foods and find some nice ice
cream.	Now just open up ice cream containers and put about thirty drops of red
(or whatever color) food coloring in 'em.  Wouldn't YOU be surprised if you
opened up a half gallon of vanilla ice cream at home and found red designs all
over the place??

     Do you want to get people in trouble?  Then you can have lots of fun
screwing with the prices of things.  You can take some steaks and throw 'em
into the "reduced food section".  Most people are stupid and would jump at the
chance to get a turkey for a few bucks.  Or, you could just take a large marker
into the store with you and write "5 cents" on everything you see.  Write it on
donut boxes, cereal boxes, soda bottles, or anything you see.

     My last topic is everyone's favorite, taking what is not rightfully yours
(shoplifting, dumbass)	It's surprisingly simple to lift things from grocery
stores.  I'm not going to give you a shoplifting tutorial here though, if you
need to read a phile to learn how to lift, you're an idiot.  Also, you can eat
things right in the store if you want.	Just take your snack to a deserted
aisle and then satisfy your stomach.  Of course, the only thing you could steal
from Giant is food (or those cheap plastic toys often found in grocery stores,
but why would you want those?), and since a box of cereal is a bit to obvious
under one's shirt, I suggest candy.  But go ahead and take what you want, I
couldn't give a shit.

     Well, I was wrong, I have one more thing I want to tell you about (gee I'm
tricky...)  Ok, have you ever seen those swinging double-doors in the back near
the meat??  These doors can lead you to loads of fun.  Back there they store
all their excess until they have room for it.  So you can go back there and
fuck around like crazy (if anyone asks you what the hell you're doing back
there, just say you're going to the bathroom, the bathrooms are ALWAYS back
there somewhere), doing whatever the hell you want.  Try rearranging anything
you may find back there.  Go ahead, screw up their inventory!

     Hi....welp, these are the new parts for all you keeping score...

     Ok, I've mentioned some of the fun you can have with the shopping carts
themselves.  Now, another thing you can do with them is just throw them all
over the place.  Get a few empty ones and take 'em out to the parking lot.
Here you can "automate" the carts by seeing how far they'll go on their own.
Give 'em a big push and they're off!  Try to push them into car's paths, I'm
sure the driver will appreciate it.  I'm REAL sorry about that Ms. Jones, I had
no idea you'd swerve like that and end up with a boy and his bike as your new
hood ornament.	Also, you can make a nice big accident by hurling a bunch of
them all together.  Wham!!  Awwww...too bad...looks like a few of the things
have been mangled to hell.  Oh, all these carts would also make a mighty fine
roadblock, wouldn't you say??  After completely smashing them, you might want
to return them to the store...just so they know that new ones will have to be
bought.

     Just to see what the employees say, bring along a box with a melodious
tune of Suicidal Tendencies being cranked out.	I doubt that many people
would approve of this (which is why you're doing it).  Anyway, when someone
tries to talk to you, don't say a damn thing.  Pretend your foreign, deaf,
whatever, just don't speak.  This will get people even more pissed off.  At
this point they'll probably call security (woaaahhhhh....those Rent-A-Cops are
SCARY!!) or something and try to force you out.  Let 'em, don't try to resist
at all.  When you get outside just point at them and start laughing like crazy.
Here you can enter a convulsive fit or whatever works for you.

     I've mentioned stealing things...well, if you don't have the guts for
actually lifting things, there is an alternative.  Simply exchange price tags,
this way it's not really lifting, just a damn good bargain.  If you're going to
do this, try to get in some dumbfuck foreigners lane (Note: With all the damn
Arabs and whatnot at 7-Eleven, this can always be done there).	If the cashier
doubts the price, just play it off.  Oh, here's another idea that deal with
price tags.  Try to steal one of those "tag guns" that the employees use to
price items.  This way you can make people get items they usually wouldn't
(because of your low, LOW price).  When the person goes to checkout and the
item(s) goes through the little scanner thing, hahaha!	It's damn funny to see
the people arguing over the price...and it holds up the line as well.

     Ok, for this next little topic, you'll need some kinda foreign currency
(like that real great one, the peso...).  Oh, you can pick up some pesos or
another kind of currency at a bank that specializes in exchanging currencies.
When you have your foreign dough, go to the supermarket and pick out a few
items (doesn't matter what they are).  Then proceed to checkout and when given
the total, just give the pesos or whatever to the cashier.  When the idiot
tells you that you can't use that.  Start screaming in another language (or if
you're to lame to know one, make one up) and have a fit.  Make it clear
(non-verbally of course) that you want to pay with your pesos.	Take it as far
is it will go, and then throw the money at the dumb bitch and leave.

     Well, I hope you have all learned something from this tutorial on how to
fuck with your grocery store.  Oh, and I >>>AM<<< responsible for whatever ac-
tions you may take as a result of reading this phile.  When you get in trouble,
just go ahead and say 007 told you to do it.  "Well you see Mr. Rent-A-Cop,
there was this phile on a BBS around NY that told me to do it!"...maybe it'll
even get written up in NewsWeek by our hero the journalist, Mr. Sandza!


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:	       The previous phile has been brought to you by....	      :
:_____________		     ____	 ____			 _____________:
: ...10/31/87|		    | urgatory	| roductions		 |...10/31/87 :
:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=: