308 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
308 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
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/\\ /\\ /\\ /\\
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// \\ // \\ EPHISTO // \\ // \\ ADWARE
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// \// \\ // \// \\
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-= and =-
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__ __ __ ___ __ __
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/| / /| |\ |\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
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/_| /_ / | | \ | \ \__ \ \ \ \ _\ \ \__
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/\ / / / | \| \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
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/ \ /_ /__/ | | \ \__ \ \_\ \ \ \__ \__
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Mephisto Madware/Red Menace Productions
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Present:
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"Real Pez Devotees"
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~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~
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by:
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(who else?)
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Mr. Pez
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~~~ ~~~
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Now, as the swirl of text graphics finishes, you realize that what you
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have is another annoying file from Mr. Pez. "Ah," you say, "but I haven't
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SEEN any files from Mr. Pez!" To which I counter, "My annoying personality
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on the many boards I call, not to mention 75-line messages, can be
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considered to be files." And this file tells you how to be JUST LIKE your
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favorite candy/dispenser combo.
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first part:
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Real Pez Devotees as Sysops
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Real Pez Devotees will be sysops in the near future, and have always
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been that way.
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Real Pez Devotees, if sysops, want to know everything about their
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users, like real names and stuff.
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Real Pez Devotees don't mind leeching, if done in mild amounts, since
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they know that leeching is how they got all their
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files.
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Real Pez Devotees really love uploads. ("What the hell is this shit?
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ALL sysops love uploads!") (Ah, my misguided friend,
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Real Pez Devotees are eternally grateful.)
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Real Pez Devotees never have the heart to delete users who quite
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obviously are fake, like users who call themselves
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"BIOC AGENT 003", on the off chance that they might
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be the real person.
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Real Pez Devotees, if finally given sysop access, say so everywhere,
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and beg people to call the board. (In this case, The
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Works, 914-238-8195. See?)
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second part:
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Real Pez Devotees as BBS users
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Real Pez Devotees "pollute" BBS's. That is to say, they call them
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regularly, say twice a day, and post an awful lot.
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This is not altogether well-liked by the sysops and
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users of those boards, but they realize they can't
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really do anything about it. And a Pez is not such
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an bad thing to have on a board, since while they
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leech, they upload, too, and join in conversations.
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corollary:
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Real Pez Devotees saturate their area code.
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Real Pez Devotees, sadly, kiss ass, and go out of their way to avoid
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confrontations, sometimes changing their posistion
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right then and there. That's not altogether bad, but
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does hurt a Pez's credibility.
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corollary:
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Real Pez Devotees apologize.
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Real Pez Devotees never know who to put as "references"...they have
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spoken and left mail to a lot of people, but think
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that it's a big step to put someone as a reference.
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Real Pez Devotees leech of boards they know, but are loath to leech off
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of pirate boards, since they don't want to look bad.
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(See "Real Pez Devotees, sadly, kiss ass"..)
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Real Pez Devotees use long-distance services to make free calls, but know
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that this does not make them considered "phreaks".
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They use the "codes" to call all kinds of BBS's all
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over the country once a day.
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corollary:
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Real Pez Devotees will never say they "phreak" to anyone who might
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possibly know anything about it, but will look down
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on people who only call local Commodore 64 BBS's.
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Real Pez Devotees like many kinds of IBM BBS software, notably WWIV for
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its neat ANSI (colored) graphics tricks, Forum for
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its full-screen editor, PC-Board for its enjoyable
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prospects for leeching, Citadel for its ease of
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logging on, reading all messages, and logging off, as
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well as the ability for anyone to create "rooms", or
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sub-boards (NOT called SUBZ!!1 which are sandwiches
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that you get from a deli.), software called "M-Link"
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for its overall whackiness (i.e. individual
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ranknames and a general good humor).
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corollary:
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Real Pez Devotees hate RBBS, C-Net (and mostly all Commodore 64 BBS
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software), and yes, AE's without anything "attached",
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like TAC, TransPhor (it's new, for IBM's), or having
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BBS's attached to them.
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Real Pez Devotees gently harass people they know, which is sometimes
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taken out of context to try to show a Pez as mean, or
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spiteful.
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Real Pez Devotees are nosy, and have tried to read messages with an
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"S." in front of them, as well as "Reciever-Only"
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messages on PC-Boards. (Note to unenlightened: "PC-
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Board" is an IBM BBS program, not a general term for
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boards run on IBM's. It's sort of like RBBS, only
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spiced up with color and better transfer sections.)
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They also look at Callers Logs to find out who was
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tying up the board when they wanted to be on, and how
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many downloads people make. If they know the sysop's
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voice number, they'll call him if the board is busy,
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and ask who's on.
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third part:
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The Writing Styles of Real Pez Devotees
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Real Pez Devotees care about spelling and proper use of grammar in
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textfiles/messages, but rarely say so. But in their
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minds, they don't really respect people who spell
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badly and use improper grammar. Although, (see the
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"ass-kissing" section) they will overlook improper
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grammar if the person has a national reputation (i.e.
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certain Neon Knights, Budman "Zeek", and others.).
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That's why a Pez likes Anarchy inc. so much, because
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they seem very intelligent, as a whole.
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Ex: I looked up the word "corollary" because I wasn't
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sure how to spell it.
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Ex: I'm going to spell-check this when I'm done.
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Real Pez Devotees have adapted a lot of people's writing styles, as
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well as their own, to form what looks like a unique
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personality. Some examples follow:
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1. Capitalizing words to emphasize points
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Ex: "I can't BELIEVE you did that!"
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Also, using an asterisk after the word to emphasize
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points. (Stolen from Citadels in Minnesota.)
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Ex: "I can't believe* you said that!"
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2. Using "..." to link common subjects, or indicate
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time passing, or end a sentence.
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Ex: "I can't believe you said that...but I guess I would
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too, in that situation...who knows..."
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3. Two spaces after a period. That's pretty much
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universal, though. As well as skipping a line
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between paragraphs.
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4. A lot of commas used, so as not to appear as a
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run-on sentence.
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5. When chatting, every line begins with "Yeah," or
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"Well,".
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6. The use of "a), b), c)" to distinguish separate
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points.
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fourth part:
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The Personal Habits of Real Pez Devotees
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Real Pez Devotees stay up until 11:30 on weeknights, and wake up at
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5:30, and thus are numb all day. On weekends, they
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stay up until 3am, when the boards finally become
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freed up. Or else they write textfiles like this
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one.
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Real Pez Devotees screw around on the computer until 10:00 every day,
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and then do their homework. Strangely enough, I got
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my highest grades ever since starting this.
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Real Pez Devotees drink large amounts of Coke Classic, which allows
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them to stay up to 3am. Also, "Twix" bars are a cool
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thing to eat, from time to time. Another fave is
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cereal ("Cinnamon Life") eaten at odd hours.
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Real Pez Devotees feel awkward walking into a classroom when there are
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a lot of people already in there. They always feel
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sort of awkward in front of lots of people. Unless
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they are drunk, in which case they don't care.
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Unfortunately, this is a rare happening. Normally,
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we (the Real Pez Devotees) are hyper from Coca-Cola.
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Real Pez Devotees fight with their siblings.
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Real Pez Devotees enjoy volleyball, soccer, and baseball, but hate
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football and "bombardment". (A violent version of
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Dodgeball.) (Real Pez Devotees have always thought
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Speedball sounded better than it played.)
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Real Pez Devotees yell at their parents from time to time, but usually
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do what they say. (Within reasonable limits.)
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Real Pez Devotees have really short hair, and like it that way.
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fifth part:
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Real Pez Devotees And Clothes
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Real Pez Devotees wear:
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khaki pants
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"Banana Republic"
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button-downs
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"Coca-Cola" clothes
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Levi's "501" jeans
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Docksiders (without socks until December, usually.
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They can take it.)
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glasses.
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If a Real Pez Devotee finds a shirt he likes, he'll buy several in
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different colors. And has trouble explaining it.
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Real Pez Devotees have sneakers, but usually leave them in their gym
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locker, preferring instead the ubiquitous Docksiders
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or duck boots (ugly, but Real Pez Devotees don't
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care).
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sixth part:
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(holy shit!)
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Real Pez Devotees and Music
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Real Pez Devotees listen to:
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Ska (which includes)
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The English Beat
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The Specials
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The Skatalites
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The Selecter
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Rico Rodriguez
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Reggae (only)
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Yellowman
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Black Uhuru
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old Santana records
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their own music (more on that later)
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Run-D.M.C. (they got hooked last year)
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Real Pez Devotees hate:
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Top 40 (including all)
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Genesis
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Bon Jovi
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Madonna
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Pet Shop Boys
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and all other Top 40 fluff groups.
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Stryper (that's fucking scarier than Satanism
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in "metal"!)
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Real Pez Devotees are in a band, and go over to their friend's houses
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on weekends with a lot of equipment and jam. This
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usually results in a song, or degenerates into a
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point where they go to the computer and start
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harassing people on CompuServe "CB". The songs are
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mixed, like rap, reggae, blues, slamdance stuff, and
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artsy Talking Heads clones.
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seventh part:
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Bullshitting Around/The End
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So, I figured I had to start with a "Real" file. One that detailed my
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personality, and habits, and stuff. My name's Mr. Pez, and I don't
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expect you to imitate me. Hell, I don't know what to think of this file.
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It's kind of long, huh? Hope it was worth it...
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-Pez
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: STUPID_SPECS RM/MM '87
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Begun: 25 February 1987 3:12pm
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Finished: 28 February 1987 1:26am
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Written on: IBM PC, Writing Assistant (written and spell-checked)
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Edited: with PC-Write (for justification, clarity, text graphics)
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Author: Mr. Pez
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For: Red Menace, Octothorpe Productions (?), Mephisto Madware
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Size: 15,640 bytes
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A few boards which ask only that you grace them with your presence.
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_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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_____N_a_m_e____________S_y_s_o_p_____S_o_f_t_w_a_r_e____N_u_m_b_e_r____
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[] The Works! [] Jason Scott! [] PCBoard 10.0 || [914]/238-8195 []
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[] The Darque Side [] S Bunker [] Micro*Link || [408]/245-SPAM []
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[] Terrapin Station [] Count Nibble [] AE:TAC || [505]/865-0883 []
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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classroom when there are
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a lot of people already in there. They always feel
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sort of awkward in front of lots of people. Unless
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they are drunk, in which case they don't care.
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Unfortunately, this is a rare happening. Normally,
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we (the Real Pez Devotees) are hyper from Coca-Cola.
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Real Pez Devotees fight with their siblings.
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Real Pez Devotees enjoy volleyball, soccer, and baseball, but hate
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football and "bombardment". (A violent version of
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Dodgeball.) (Real Pez Devotees have always thought
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